Snape's tears
by Caneater
Summary: Severus Snape has just seen Lily Evans and James Potter for the first time...
1. Snape's tears

Severus Snape walked across the school grounds, his brow furrowed in concentration. It was just after Potions, and Snape had found a concoction that had confused him. He now walked desperately to the lone tree to figure it out. About halfway there, Snape saw Lily. He felt a jolt in his stomach as he noticed how the light sunlight enhanced Lily's redness of her hair, and how it brought out those beautiful bright green eyes. They sparkled with determination as she looked at Snape. The young wizard raised his arm to wave at Lily when behind her came James Potter. Lily turned, a brilliant smile playing on her lips and she kissed James.  
Snape looked at the pair for a moment, try to comprehend what had just happened. A moment later, anger boiled within him, curling his free hand into a fist of fury. He turned away from James and Lily and stalking to his tree, seething with rage. Laughter followed him there, but he didn't care. There was a more important issue that was plaguing Snape than cursing them. He sat on one of the protruding roots of the tree, clutching his Potions book tightly to him, as if it would give him reassurance.  
_Why James? _He thoughtWhy James Potter, the one who always picked on him, curse after curse, never leaving him alone. He was the victim to Potter's wand, and no one cared, they just laughed and jested as he was bullied for his oddity... and genius. _They were just jealous,_ Snape reassured himself as he opened his book to the Potion that they made today. He took out a black pencil case and took out a pencil. He began taking notes, but his mind could not block out the picture of Lily and James... together.  
Tears of fury blotched the page, tears that he could not stop. For a while, Snape sat on his lonely root, his body shaking from the racking sobs. _Why him? I showed her the way; I was her friend from the beginning._ James always teased Lily relentlessly, always trying to impress her with his marvellous curses that he used on Snape.  
_But that's why she chose him, wasn't it?_ Snape called her a Mudblood, not that many years ago. Lily had not quite forgiven him for that act. _That's why._  
He heard a twig snap. Someone was coming. Snape hastily wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and snapped the Potions book closed, as to not show the evidence that Snape was crying. But a familiar voice, a voice that always comforted him, a voice that always had shown up as vision of beautiful green eyes...  
"Sev?"


	2. Snape's anger

"Sev?"  
Severus's swiftly wiped his tears on his sleeve and continued writing in his weathered Potions book. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a vivid red head poke from behind the large tree trunk. The rest of her body followed, deftly jumping from root to root. Severus's heart seemed to skip at every jump the red head took, but he resisted looking at her. He now felt the soft breath of the girl on his face, and smiled faintly. He looked up at her, the black curtain of hair parting around a sallow face, with dark eyes and a hooked nose. Severus wondered when he was alone, why Lily Evans was still his friend for he looked and felt so ugly... But as he looked into her bright green eyes, it didn't matter anymore. He never once felt ugly in her presence, and that made him smile wider.  
"What's up Sev?" Lily asked, concerned. She now sat back on a root, pulling her knees up and holding them close to her chest.  
"Nothing," replied Severus quietly, returning back to his Potions book.  
"You've been avoiding me for the past - Sev?! Have you been crying?!" said Lily incredously, leaning close to him and holding his face in her soft hands. She forced Severus to look at her, and he did although reluctantly. He had never cried in front of Lily. Never. And he wasn't going to start now. But once more, he looked in her eyes, which were examining his face carefully.  
"You _have_ been crying..." Lily whispered in half fear and half awe. Snape did not answer, for the image Lily and that Potter boy together seered through his mind in a whiplash of pain. He clenched his teeth tightly, a small vein throbbing in his temple, but he still look defiantly at Lily.  
"Are you going to bother to tell me why?" she asked skeptically, now releasing Severus' face and rolling back onto her heels. He looked at her, hate eminating from every fibre of his being, Potter still flashing in his mind. But Lily seemed not to notice it. Instead she made herself comfortable on the nearest root, her elbows resting on her thighs and hands cupping around her chin. She watched him intently, staring at him unblinkingly with a determination that shook Severus. After a long few minutes, he suddenly broke.  
"Why Potter?" he spat.  
Lily sat back, now satisfied. She crossed her arms over her chest and smirked, "So this is just about him now?"  
"It's not about him, it's him and you!" Severus' voice grew louder at every syllable. "Why did you choose _him_? There are SO many other you could choose, but why him? He is the most insolent, rude, arrogant, stuck up little...COCKROACH I'VE EVER SEEN!!" Severus' voice was louder than Lily had ever heard him before. His hands were shaking and his face was contorted in anger. But Lily was not afraid. Instead, she narrowed her eyes dangerously and flared, "You don't know James like I do, Severus! He's only like that because you are exactly the same!"  
Severus tried to put in something, but Lily shouted over him, "The only reason was because people like YOU are befouling the air with pain and curses! HE wants to stop it!" She stood up, an angry fire in her eyes. Her voice now toned down to a soft final saying, "And I agree with him."  
With that, Lily Evans whipped around, black robes curving around her. She jumped back over the roots and landed on the other side. She stormed up the castle without a single glance at Severus.  
He was amazed, sad, angry and shocked all at once. He did not know what to do. Never once had they argued like that and now Severus knew that whatever relationship they once had was over. As he stared out to the darkening forest in front of him, the tears once surpressed spilled out of his black eyes, small silver streams lining his face as the sun set behind him.


	3. Snape's anguish

This is the last one... For now. This is after Snape got appointed at Hogwarts.

Walking down the familiar passages made Severus Snape shiver slightly. He didn't understand it. _They are just as the same as before_, he thought to himself. _But I am a teacher now. No, a _Professor. Severus smirked. He was successfully appointed by Albus Dumbledore to be a professor at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Unfortunately, Severus did not get the post that he had applied for, Defence Against Dark Arts. Instead, he was appointed as Potions Master.

_Potions Master…_

Severus smirked again. That sounded good. It sounded superior. This was the first time that Severus ever felt like this. Like a senior, a person that people could respect. Students had already started calling him 'sir.' Well, it was normal in the school, but rather new to Severus. He no longer walked slumped and he was not scared. He held himself with dignity and walked with a commanding stride, robes swishing dangerously around him. He filled the corridor when he walked, causing students to flatten themselves against the wall just so he could get past them. There was no one standing in his way, there was no one taunting him about how he looked, or walked, there was no one there to curse him wherever he went. Severus was living a free life, and a happy life too. He had no worries at the school, and he was fully protected if the Dark Lord ever did come find him and discover his _real_ plan…

But there was no one there to comfort him whenever he cried or to talk to about his new potion discovery. There were the other professors, yes. But they were cautious about Severus still being a Death Eater and perhaps working for the Dark Lord. He didn't blame them. It will take them a while to get used to Severus. He walked down the main staircase into the Entrance Hall, and his stomach lurched suddenly as it had always been for the one and only month that he had worked at Hogwarts. That was the very spot that Severus saw a particular someone every morning on his way to the breakfast table…

He remembered her perfectly, even today. She had long red hair that cascaded onto her slender shoulders, gently caressing her pale neck. Her eyes were bright green with determination. She was beautiful in every way, the way she walked, the way she cast a spell or talked to him… She was perfect. Yes, Lily Evans is the very bane of Severus. The only one that he loved.  
_Lily_ Potter, _actually,_ Severus reminded himself distastefully. Yes, only a year ago, Lily had married the most bigheaded, arrogant, cocky person that Severus had ever met:

James Potter.

Severus' eyes narrowed in anger. Lily _hated_ James… But why get married to him? The question was racking through his brain ever since they got married. But what made him even angrier was the fact that they now have a baby together… Severus overheard that the baby's name was Harry… Severus thought that the name was James' idea. Severus wrinkled his nose as he remembered the neighbours at Spinner's End talk about the baby shower…

_"…James must be so proud!"  
"Yes, I heard it's a boy!"  
"Lily has her hands full with this one! He will probably as mischievous as James…"_

Severus frowned deeply, not realising he stopped to stare at the spot where Lily used to stand with her friends. Then he heard a throat clear to his right and he turned towards it. A Slytherin prefect was standing next to him and he had an envelope in his hand. On the front was the familiar loopy handwriting that was Albus Dumbledore's.

"Excuse me, sir. Professor Dumbledore wanted to give this to you," the prefect said politely.

"Thank you. You may go for your lunch now," Snape said quietly, taking the envelope from the prefect.

"Thank _you,_ sir." And with that the prefect went off into the Great Hall. Snape opened the envelope. It read:

_Severus _

Please come to my office immediately. I have some urgent news for you.

Albus

Severus frowned concernedly, but turned on his heel, causing his robes to fly around him. He started up the stairs again that led to Dumbledore's office. 

"You wanted to see me, Albus?" Severus said five minutes later. He was in Dumbledore's circular office. The little silver instrument whirred softly as they spun from their pedestals. Fawkes the phoenix sat on his perch behind Dumbledore's desk in its full glory. The early morning sun came from behind Dumbledore, through the large window that looked out to the vast school grounds.

Dumbledore himself looked grave and was just finished writing a letter and started to put it into an envelope. He looked up at Severus, his half-moon glasses pushed right up his nose. "Sit, Severus," he said softly. Dumbledore stood up, gave the envelope to Fawkes, and a few whispered words. Then the bright phoenix spread its wings and flew out of an open window to the east of Dumbledore's office.  
"What's the problem, Albus?" asked Severus cautiously.

"Last night Lord Voldemort went to Spinner's End to give the Potter's a visit." Severus gave a sharp intake of breath. He knew what Dumbledore was going to say next. He couldn't believe it. He purposefully led the Dark Lord off course of the Potter's household, so that he wouldn't kill them. He asked the Dark Lord to spare Lily if he ever went to kill the family. He knew that the Dark Lord would not do so, for he was bloodthirsty.

"He killed both of them, Severus. I'm so sorry," continued Dumbledore softly. Severus tried not to cry, but a few tears escaped his grasp and appeared on his yellow face.

"What do you mean _'both?'_" Severus said eventually, after he wiped tears off his face. "What happened to the boy?"

Dumbledore sighed, "He survived. His mother died for him, sealing the spell they had cast on him when he was still born. I took them to Petunia where he will stay until he is seventeen. He will come to Hogwarts of course and..."

Severus payed no heed to what Dumbledore had to say about the boy. He cared not for the boy. All he wanted was Lily to live happily, even if it was with James. And now, his attempts at keeping her safe had now spoiled. Severus had made sure...  
What had gone wrong? Someone must have told the Dark Lord... But who...? Severus shook his head irritably. He could think of no one. He didn't _want_ to think of anyone. Emotion overwhelmed him, and without excusing himself, Severus pushed back the spindly chair and walked out of Dumbledore's office. He struggled to keep the oncoming tears at bay, but they could not stop as they poured silently down his young, sallow face. Fortunately, the students were in the Great Hall for dinner, leaving Severus' footsteps to echo silently down the passages as he made his way down to the dungeons.

He slammed the heavy door and locked it with the most intricate spells he knew. He slumped into a matted couch, his shoulders shacking as he sobbed in the darkness within. The tears could not stop flowing. They fell, drop after drop on Severus' long, spindly hands. How could he not prevent this? Was there a way? Was there any way to rectify the matter? Could he use a Time Turner?  
Possible solutions ran inside his head, each more bizarre than the next. But he could not stop, he could not give hope. Lily can't be dead. She just can't. She's... Lily. Severus closed his eyes in anguish and his tears dropped thickly into his lap. He did not know how long he sat there. He didn't care. He doubted if anything could arouse him from his despair. He heard Dumbledore's knock on his door a few times, unlocking only a few of Severus' locking spells. He knew full well that the old wizard could fully dispell them all. But the friendship that developed between them this past month ensured each others privacy. But Severus had ignored him everytime, answering Dumbledore by cold silence. After what felt like days, Snape came to a decision. Taking out an old and musty book from the thin and rickety bookcase in his room, he opened to the section on Patronus's. After a few minutes of reading, Severus took up his wand and muttered, "_Expecto Patronum."_

A large silver bat formed infront of Severus, hovering awkwardly. Severus glared at it for a few seconds before muttering another spell. Slowly, the bat's wings disappeared as legs and body grew longer and larger. Before his eyes, Severus saw his patronus changing. It was only a few more seconds before he saw a fully fledged doe stand gracefully infront of him. She looked at him with loving eyes which Severus could not meet. With a wave of his wand, the patronus vanished into mysterious silver wisps.  
Yes, Severus' patronus was a doe. It was an honour to both Potter's who died, and he was sure that he will help defeat the Dark Lord when the time came. Muttering counterspells, the door opened slowly with not so much as a creak. On the other side of the door stood Albus Dumbledore, with a kind smile.

"Are you well, Severus?"

The greasy haired wizard nodded curtly in response. Together, they turned into the corridor to start a war that should have begun a very long time ago.

Starting with that boy.

The Boy Who Lived.

Harry Potter.


End file.
